Life goes on right?!
Read somewhere that when a Scorpio is depressed, it must be major!.
Apparently my sign doesn't get depressed often. I don't know how much of that is true. I can not speak for everyone born under that sign, I can only speak for myself. I do personally feel like for ME, there is some truth to that statement.
I never got depressed much growing up or even that much as an adult. Wasn't until about four years ago that I got into this depressed funk that I can't seem to climb out of. Seems like no matter what I do, I can't shake it. Half of the times I can't even verbalize what's bothering me. It's a combination a of a few things and that's what make it so difficult to talk about for me. I think there's this idea that if we can pinpoint the problem we are more likely to be less depressed. Not so. I actually am able to pinpoint what's making me depressed, to some degree. I mean sure it's great if you can pinpoint your issues, but if you can't fix them, it makes you even more depressed.
Was in a pretty toxic relationship a few years ago and that is actually when my depression started. Well, it actually started after the relationship ended. Seems odd I know. Most would think that is when you would start rebuilding your life. But the ending of that relationship hit me really hard.
I think it's because I really wanted that relationship to work so badly I overlooked or just didn't come to terms with the horrible treatment I endured while dating the person. It wasn't until the relationship ended that everything I was put through by that person started to affect me.
The person went behind my back a lot! I think as woman some of us take on these fixer upper relationships as I call them. You know it's where we think we can fix the guy. He hit's us or attempts/cheats on us. Puts us down and some of us think, I can fix this. If I just fix this one thing about myself that's making him treat me this way everything will workout. I went through so much of that while dating the person it became so exhausting. I wound up leaving the relationship feeling exhausted. Walked away with a pretty good helping of low self esteem too! moved back home to a part of New York I been trying to get out of FOREVER! So that added more depression my way. Then wound up going back to crappy jobs I hated and watching my art fail didn't help and still doesn't. Add getting older, losing friends and watching a bunch of people do better then me in life to the list! Annnnd four years later we are now here in depression land! It's so many things attributing to it that it makes my head spin. It has become overwhelming to say the least. And I feel really, really isolated on top of it all. I just want to wake up and not have the words ''I don't want to do this anymore'' come out of my mouth. Do what anymore you may ask. Life - I DON'T WANT TO DO LIFE ANYMORE. I feel like I've been handed a life sentence of a crappy life. If that makes any sense.
People shouldn't wake up saying I don't want to live life anymore. God it's horrible! And it makes me feel bad because I know things could be a lot worse. I read the news and see shit going on all over the world . Real fucked up shit like people being murdered over land or starving to death and it makes me think what the fuck do I have to complain about. Believe it or not that adds to the depression.
I feel like I'm at an all you can eat buffet that is serving depression, And I'm loading more and, and more on to my plate. I've been going to the beach a lot lately to try and clear my head cause it feels all jumbled and it's like I can't even think most of the time.
I decided a few days ago to try and do one thing a day to start moving my life in a better direction and hopefully rid myself of this depression.
I have been filling out applications for art shows and I'm thinking about going back to painting. Today I decided to write this post to help get some of this out of my head and will keep weekly post updates to track my progress. Anyway, if you read this thanks for listening-
Apparently my sign doesn't get depressed often. I don't know how much of that is true. I can not speak for everyone born under that sign, I can only speak for myself. I do personally feel like for ME, there is some truth to that statement.
I never got depressed much growing up or even that much as an adult. Wasn't until about four years ago that I got into this depressed funk that I can't seem to climb out of. Seems like no matter what I do, I can't shake it. Half of the times I can't even verbalize what's bothering me. It's a combination a of a few things and that's what make it so difficult to talk about for me. I think there's this idea that if we can pinpoint the problem we are more likely to be less depressed. Not so. I actually am able to pinpoint what's making me depressed, to some degree. I mean sure it's great if you can pinpoint your issues, but if you can't fix them, it makes you even more depressed.
Was in a pretty toxic relationship a few years ago and that is actually when my depression started. Well, it actually started after the relationship ended. Seems odd I know. Most would think that is when you would start rebuilding your life. But the ending of that relationship hit me really hard.
I think it's because I really wanted that relationship to work so badly I overlooked or just didn't come to terms with the horrible treatment I endured while dating the person. It wasn't until the relationship ended that everything I was put through by that person started to affect me.
The person went behind my back a lot! I think as woman some of us take on these fixer upper relationships as I call them. You know it's where we think we can fix the guy. He hit's us or attempts/cheats on us. Puts us down and some of us think, I can fix this. If I just fix this one thing about myself that's making him treat me this way everything will workout. I went through so much of that while dating the person it became so exhausting. I wound up leaving the relationship feeling exhausted. Walked away with a pretty good helping of low self esteem too! moved back home to a part of New York I been trying to get out of FOREVER! So that added more depression my way. Then wound up going back to crappy jobs I hated and watching my art fail didn't help and still doesn't. Add getting older, losing friends and watching a bunch of people do better then me in life to the list! Annnnd four years later we are now here in depression land! It's so many things attributing to it that it makes my head spin. It has become overwhelming to say the least. And I feel really, really isolated on top of it all. I just want to wake up and not have the words ''I don't want to do this anymore'' come out of my mouth. Do what anymore you may ask. Life - I DON'T WANT TO DO LIFE ANYMORE. I feel like I've been handed a life sentence of a crappy life. If that makes any sense.
People shouldn't wake up saying I don't want to live life anymore. God it's horrible! And it makes me feel bad because I know things could be a lot worse. I read the news and see shit going on all over the world . Real fucked up shit like people being murdered over land or starving to death and it makes me think what the fuck do I have to complain about. Believe it or not that adds to the depression.
I feel like I'm at an all you can eat buffet that is serving depression, And I'm loading more and, and more on to my plate. I've been going to the beach a lot lately to try and clear my head cause it feels all jumbled and it's like I can't even think most of the time.
I decided a few days ago to try and do one thing a day to start moving my life in a better direction and hopefully rid myself of this depression.
I have been filling out applications for art shows and I'm thinking about going back to painting. Today I decided to write this post to help get some of this out of my head and will keep weekly post updates to track my progress. Anyway, if you read this thanks for listening-
Comments
Post a Comment