I may have to find some type of therapy
Let me back track and start from the beginning so to make it more clear for you. Almost two years ago, on a Friday morning I went out to do some shopping. I picked up some hair dye, a new bottle of perfume.
I'll never forget the perfume it was Angel by Thierry Mugler. To this day, I can't stand the smell of it!. I'll get to that in a minute. I had also picked up a new workout shirt and pants. I headed home and had a wonderful night at home planned out. I was going to order some takeout and watch some of my favorite TV shows. But first I wanted to dye my hair and take a shower cause my hair was pretty over grown and wasn't looking so good. I mixed up the dye and put it in my hair. It was time to rinse my hair and so I turned the shower on and proceeded to step in. The floor of the shower felt a little slippery, but I ignored it.
Big mistake!. Before I could even blink or think I slipped and fell forward. My face hit the edge of the tub right above my eyebrow.
My shoulder slammed into the tub as well. As that happened I actual heard a cracking sound. Next thing I knew I was laying facedown in blood / hair dye. I didn't know at the time that I had dislocated my shoulder. I managed to turn myself over in the tub.
I was sitting in an upright position at this point with the water from the shower pouring down on me. Hair dye and blood from my head wound were going in my eyes, which was starting blind me. That is when I started to realize my shoulder was feeling funny and was starting to hurt really bad. I had a million thoughts going through my head all at once in what felt like a matter of minutes. I didn't know what to do first. Rinse my hair and get dye out so it would stop blinding me, or try and get out of the tub. I knew I needed to get out of the tub fast because my shoulder was starting to hurt really bad and I was having trouble lifting it.
I turned the water off and sat there for a minute trying to gather my thoughts. No one was gonna come for me I thought. My phone was two rooms away. I tried yelling out thinking one of my neighbors would hear me and call the cops. I screamed for what felt like 20 mins at the top of my lungs, and nothing! That's a New York city apartment for ya. You could be getting murdered and screaming bloody hell and no one will do anything. I knew right then No one was coming!. No one was going to acknowledge my screams either. No one would most likely even look for me till morning or day after next. Oh right, and I'm naked to boot! It's when it hit me how incredibly fucked I was!
It then dawned on me, I'd have to get out of the tub by myself with a dislocated shoulder and busted head. I tried putting both my arms on the sides of the tub to push myself up. But my dislocated shoulder wasn't gonna let that happen. I thought to myself I'll turn myself over.
I did that, I was now on my knees. As I looked around the bathroom.
I was thinking ok, what now?. I was afraid to try and stand up in a wet tub. I had a towel near the tub I grabbed it and used it to dry the tub over by where I was planning to stand. This was the most painful part. I had to use both my arms to push myself up in order to stand. I let out a blood curdling scream as I push myself to my feet. I put most of my weight on the arm that wasn't hurt, but it still hurt like hell. After I managed to stand up. I took the towel from inside the tub and threw it on the floor outside the tub so I wouldn't slip getting out. I had a bathmat poir to that but it got thrown out and I hadn't replaced it yet!
After I was out of the tub I was confused as to what to do. I was afraid to call ambulance cause I didn't want people coming to my house and seeing me naked. So I called my Ex husband out of force of habit I guess. Because anytime something bad use to happen to me when we were together he'd fix it or make it better. He was too far away to come help me and he said I'd have to called an ambulance.
I managed to get dressed with one hand, lol. I threw on yoga pants and a over sized shirt. No undies and no bra! And sat on the bed. Hair still wet with hair dye residue, looking a hot mess. Waiting for the EMTS to arrive! To help me.
The EMTS arrived. Two 20 somethings! Complete idiots!
I explained that I was dying my hair and slipped in the tub and hurt my shoulder and I needed to go to hospital right away! One of them proceeded to ask me if I had been drinking or doing any type of drugs. I laughed and said no! I'm thinking to myself seriously!, I still have blood dripping down my face from my head wound which they were not attending to. I am clutching my left arm cause at this point It hurt like hell to have it dangling. And this jackass is going to ask me if I was drinking or doing drugs!?!?! Finally They were like ok, let go to the hospital. And started to walk out the front door. I'm still sitting on the bed no shoes, no socks. I asked the girl if she could help me put my socks and shoes on cause I literally could not. She looked annoyed and hardly helped me.
We get outside and they had these metal stairs that folded down from inside the ambulance. I was afraid to try and walk up them cause I wasn't feeling well and thought I'd fall again. One of them went behind me and literally pushed me from behind up into the ambulance. Inside they never put a seatbelt on me. I'm bouncing around as they are discussing what they are going to do when they get off work. All the while I'm thinking ''so these are the people here to help me'', lol.
Fast forward - I got home from the hospital. I had this device around my arm to hold it in place. It had to stay like that for a month. I sure as hell wasn't going to shower with one arm so I became accustom to taking over the tub baths for a month in conjunction with baby wipes. Oh and that perfume I bought. That bottle of Angel by Thierry Mugler. I used that as well. After using it for a month it went from something I thought smelled good to now it smelled like a hospital to me. Needless to say I will never use that perfume again.
I think it was because when I first came home from the hospital I had a hospital gown on and wore it for two days and sprayed the gown with the perfume. After I cleaned myself and put on a new shirt I used the perfume again but was still able to smell hospital.
I eventually just threw it away. I think maybe it somehow metal brought me back to that place if I smelled it, you know, psychologically.
I haven't ever until now spoken openly about the lasting effects of falling face first into a porcelain tub can do to you. For months after falling I was afraid of water, Sounds funny I bet. But I wasn't so much afraid of water as much as slipping on water. I couldn't walk on a wet floor or go out if it was raining or snowing too hard. I was at the beach last summer and a thunderstorm rolled in and I absolutely lost it!. I was walking as slow as snail crying and shaking while everyone around me was running to get off the boardwalk. And on another day, I was at the supermarket and the stores janitor was mopping the floor right in front of me and I froze. I was frantically looking around for a dry spot with a look of horror on my face!.
I was/still am afraid of standing under the shower in tub. For the longest time I would sit on the edge of the tub. Basically in the tub but just not standing. I cleaned like that for over a year. That and showers at the gym. I could shower at the gym because it's just a walk in shower. No having to step up and over the side of anything. Friends and family were like, oh you need to just get over the fear and go in. It's like falling off a bike I was told, you just get back on..ect. But no it isn't like falling off a bike. wasn't for me anyway.
Perspective is a hell of thing! The way I saw it the tub tried to kill me!. lol. Not really, but it felt that way.
Comments
Post a Comment